So its lower down and new and improved.Im sorry about last time X

Thank You!

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Pure Awsomeness!,

Do you really want me to be critical?

quote:

Originally posted by Sama:
Do you really want me to be critical?

I think you should.

Yh i know i haveent put puncatuion and stuff liek that yet as its only a draft we have to write a depressing story(or thats round about it) mainly what happens next is that she hgets away from all this

Ok first off, if this is for school I think your teacher is going to laugh in your face at your lack of
A) Grammar
B) Punctuation
C) Plot

It should be re-read at least a couple of hundread times so that what you're TRYING to say is made clear.

How old are you "omg brendon urie future god" ?

quote:

Originally posted by omg brendon urie future god:
Yh i know i haveent put puncatuion and stuff liek that yet as its only a draft we have to write a depressing story(or thats round about it) mainly what happens next is that she hgets away from all this

Even if its a draft it still has to make sense, and no offence but I only managed to read the first 5 lines. Then I gave up.

im not saying...

I only typed it quick and its only my first time writen it uo its only a draft

Sama Will You Help Me Write It, Then We Could Post It Back On Here

So Anyway i`m re-writing it plz read it when im finished

I'M ONLY IMPROVING A BIT.
YOU CAN DO THE REST AND LEARN FROM WHAT I HAVE DONE!

quote:

"Get up! STOP BEING SO LAZY!" The teacher yelled. Her voice quickly awakened Jem at 5 AM on a Friday. Jem went to a boarding school which meant she had to put up with this regularly.
As she got up she remembered was happened last night, most of the girls went out and she got a chance to see Dylon who was a boy who had been on shaky terms with her. They kissed and hugged and spent every moment together because they knew they wouldn't see each other for a long time.

NEW AND IMPROVED VERSION!!!
Febuary 15th
(school)
"get up you lazy b@?!h" the teacher screamed at me. I suddenly woke up and looked at my watch, it was 5 in the morning on a Friday (so she was still at boarding school) I got properly up and out of bed, thinking about what had happened last night. Most of the girls went out -even though were not aloud but its valentines-I got with some boy who was called Dylan and he had the most gorgeous eyes-and we had fun even though were not ment to until we are married- and the rest of the girls had hooked up with random boys and we all got back at 12..The nuns must of found out... All the girls in our room got up knowing something bad was going to happen. We all marched out in a perfect line like they were in an army. We were all forced to go to our classes then sit on the wooden and really uncomfortable seats... I was with the people I shared a room, with 22 to a class 22 to a room. The nun (nuns teach us) opened her draw and the eldest girl (who got put down a year even though she was really nice and didn’t seem thick) burst out crying we all looked round. From out of the desk came a whip, wooden at the end with a leather hitting bit with a tiny pin in it , if that court u it would of ripped some skin, we all knew now why she was crying, she had told us this before how they get taken back and hit us. She got the register out to do it. She got to sasha, my best friend, .mummers came around the room . Then the Nun smacked the whip on the board and a tiny little crack was made, we were all shacking, the student teacher (she was like a teaching assistant and she was really nice) even she had a tear down her eye. The nun explained a little thing about how stupid young girls were at our age(16) and how the second we are let of the leash we go pouncing after the cats.. She wrote something on the board and told us to copy. She called Mary Allen to get up, she slowly stood up, pale white face except for the red ploches on her face and loads of tears. The nun pushed her to the back and opened the supply room door (what wasn’t used much and was just like another tiny empty room) suddenly a giant whip hitting flesh noise became apparent. we all froze a giant. Mary screamed and then she cried. She ran out and sat back down and buried her head a giant red mark appeared around her arm. The nun came out with a chuckle to her voice as she called my name and then Shasha ran in she already knew what was happening and saw me standing.
" she goes in and so do i " She screamed
The nun smiled " 2 at once even nicer" we both walked in holding hands the nun pointed at me, she held the whip high and I bring my arm up to let it get over and done with she told me to put my arm down and then she touched my cheek and a tear feel where she touched. She smiled she once again held the whip high and it started coming at me then I could feel the air on my face . Suddenly the door burst open. It was the student teacher, she pushed the nun away fro me, then told me and sasha to go we ran and sat back down. We saw the door close for the supply room and then we heard whipping and insults from the nun to the student teacher then we heard crying and yelping, seconds passed and still there was cackling from the nun, it went on for ages then after a while it all suddenly stopped and the nun didn’t walk out to our room we heard a bang but she never came back she must of walked out of the other door. So Shasha, then me, and the rest of the class got up and opened the supply room door .Mary screamed as she was first to notice. We all cried and many walked back to there seats scared and distraught . I just stared i couldn’t take my eyes of what use to be the nicest student teacher we’ve had. She was laying there. Blood all over her. Not even a proper face to make out as there was way to much blood . Sahsha walked over and checked her pulse (she’s always been good at that stuff).Then Sashas pronounced her dead.. Everyone sat down except for sasha she whispered something to me…

Oh soz Sama I had finished my thing and posted it before I even read your thing ill add it in, in a sec

Just tell me what you think?