Here we are!!!

okay so i read the first 100 pages and here are just a few things that i had to say.

first of all, with the letters stuck in it's a little bit confusing. did he ever send the letters? or are they just part of the journal? and there are missing pages, which annoys me because you can see it in the background but you can't read. and things aren't in order because there was the letter to kick chad out of the band and then later on he's talking about how chad is the drummer.

"People who came to judge us. Not be at a bar, get drunk, watch some bands and have fun." and then he starts talking about how they're expected to be socialites now.
idk i liked that part. but i don't know how true it is. he's very concerned with being judged. like on the cover "if you read you'll judge," which i guess is true because everyone does have an opinion and judges things. and then there's the dare to figure him out. sheesh. maybe if he wasn't so judgmental he wouldn't worry so much about being judged.

"I still never had any friends because I hated everyone for they were so phony." (lol at the use of the word for. it cracks me up). sheesh, lighten up a little bit, boy. i understand having standards and morals but he is so rigid. and then a little later on when he was talking about his friends.."We have a lot of dedicated fun." dedicated fun? what does that mean?

"Why am I so sexually conscious? Why can I not be clean? Have I read too many porns? Or Charles Bukowski? Is this the easy way out? No. Sex is dirty. It is over rated."
i just don't get this. is he serious?

from Aeroszepplin
"You could shit upon the stage they'll be fans
If you brand, if you brand, if you brand
All the kids will eat it up
If it's packaged properly
Steal a sound and imitate
Keep a format equally
Not an ode
Just the facts
Where our world is nowadays
An idea is what we lack
It doesn't matter anyways"
i can understand why the lyrics changed a little bit but it's weird (to me at least) that the spelling changed. i really liked this one too. idk i feel weird commenting things in a journal so there's not much to say.

and his little rant about how words suck, which i just don't buy if he calls himself a writer. although i liked the part where he was like "music is energy. a mood, atmosphere." the music festival story was my favortite part so far (maybe because it's unusual to see something that he actually liked. in the beginning when he was judging his friend's music and he broke his tapes i was like wtf. it made me really upset. i mean even if the guy felt like he needed to clean up the collection he could have sold them, he didn't need to completely destroy it).

"I feel that there is a universal sense amongst our generation that everything has been said and done. True. But who cares it could still be fun to pretend."
wow okay, i've kind of been struggling with the first part and i know i've said it before but i'm starting to think that maybe it's all been said and done because we live in our comfort zones and if we were inventive enough we could find something new. i really like the last part though. kind of surprising from him.

i don't have the exact quote but i was laughing so hard when he was writing about the stuff in his eye. it always freaks me out when i see those things and i feel like rubbing your eyes to see it damages them and it freaks me out majorly. it reminds me of family guy when stewie thought he was dying and writes that thing about the squiggly line in his eye. i didn't really know what to do with the "Once I saw Jesus in a tortilla shell" thing.

"He's not getting a divorce anymore, instead he's buying more credit cards." i don't know why but this one made me laugh a lot. and wow, getting paid $4 an hour!

The letters are my favorite part. It says in the back that he did send some of the letters and others he didn't send, though it doesn't say which. I agree I don't like being able to see the other side of the page bleeding through but at the same time I like that it's copied and so we know it's authentic.

I felt so bad when I read the letter to Dave Foster kicking him out of the band. "and we feel shitty that we don't have the guts to tell you in person" ummmm yeah.

I also thought it was really interesting how he said he made a home tape and how 'home taping' is killing the music business. Wonder what he would think of downloading. He claimed that he would buy the album if he had enough money, I wonder if he did go back and buy it.

He has a funny sense of humor. When he said "yep I'm sure of it, I'm on fire. God damn it." I laughed so hard.

I liked the part about not wanting to be judged too, at shows and stuff. But yes it's like he doesn't WANT to be accepted. Like being accepted is wrong. He fights so hard to be different but yet complains so much about not being like others. And he dislikes people who do fit in and people who are of the majority.

I also disliked that they destroyed the music. Who the fuck are they to do that? And a lot of that music was a foundation for what was to come. I hate when people can't appreciate that music has been shaped by all the music that existed in our world. Like 6 degrees of separation, songs and music infiltrated our world and affected it in ways you can't necessarily draw a direct correlation to. Idk if I said that right, hopefully you know what I mean.

He talks a lot about women being superior and he's kind of obsessed with rape. You didn't mention that whole part where he tried to have sex with that retarded girl. Omg it made me nautious. How he said "I got grossed out very heavily with how her vagina smelled and her sweat reaked so I left." Then he didn't go to school and the dad showed up accusing him of taking advantage of his daughter. And then she couldn't pick him out of the yearbook because he never showed up for picture day. And how the kids called him the retard fucker. That story was disturbing on so many levels. For him, for her, for the environment he explained so clearly.

Then the whole part where he wrote about Chuck Joseph Taylor who had to watch his dad rape his mother every day and how he tortured dolls and then people and he lost his mind at first I thought he was writing it like a book report or something but sometimes it felt like he was trying to reveal things in his own childhood. Again, it was very disturbing.

I think he WAS serious, I think he thought sex was dirty and awful and a punishment. He didn't associate sex with love at all. (just based on what we read in the opening of this journal).
I liked his "don't beat on your ice box with a hammer" story, it made me laugh.

I was wondering if the song lists were tracks that they played in between sets. The song choices are interesting. I didn't know soundgarden was that early in their career.

He talks about depression and death a lot and how life is not worth living and people disappoint him all the time. He was such a miserable fuck.

I don't think it's all been said and done. And at my age I've seen a lot. My dad used to say that music is re-generated every 20 years and young artists can't come up with anything new so they go and do re-makes and stuff like that. But I see so much innovation in music today and I've seen eras of music and how it grows and expands and is influenced by our past music, it's like a river flowing, endlessly, the movement will continue.

I can say this, at the time Nevermind came out the music scene was stale, it was old and done and then they changed everything, along with peral jam, sound garden, beck, Lenny Cravitz, Smashing Pumpkins, they were an influx of completely new music and new sounds. And eventually they were beaten into the ground and then another new era was born, from kids looking for something different, bored with the imitations that the music industry encourages in order to make money. but still the eras overlap and inter-mingle. I love it.

okay. I'm going to break this up. First with my thoughts and then with responses.

Pg 3: I was completely like WTF when they broke those records. Like holy shit. I wonder if they ever regretted doing that.

could anyone figure out what that was suppose to be on page 7?

pg13: i loled that he set up a practice quiz for the whole driving rules things. i thought it was cute.

pg 15-17: omg that letter to the former drummer to kick him out of the band. I mean i respect his honesty in it, but damn.

Pg18: "to be positive at all times is to ignore all that is important, sacred or valuable. to be negative at all times is to be threatened by rediculousness and instant discredibility." I don't know. for some reason, i really liked this quote. it stuck out to me the second that I read it.

Pg 33 especially: it is interesting to see the trouble they were having at first with their record label. not that I really know much about what happened when they gained popularity, but just to see the inside of what it's like starting out and trying to get attention.

Pg: 35: "does Nirvana want to change this? no way! we want to cash in and suck butt up to the big wigs in hopes that we too can get high and fuck was figure-hot babes, who will be required to have a certified AIDS test two weeks prior to the day of handing out back stage passes. soon we will need chick spray repellent."
I loled.. that was very witty.

Pg 68: omg that hammer story with the ice box was pure win. especially the image of the pudding turning bright green. and then how he casually states not to do what he did.

and finally: the Chuck Taylor story.. that was pretty intense. Especially the details.....

so in general: It is interesting to get in inside of his life as he is going through all of this. I liked seeing his playlists and the way he organized things. his letters were pretty interesting. the only thing is I wish that this stuff was dated so we could see the amount of time that elapsed.. but i guess there's nothing that could be done about it now.

Response:::

Stephanie: Yeah it was annoying that some of the things were cut off. Especially his stories or letters.. you're left wondering what else there was to it.

I liked the part about the music/energy/atmosphere as well. that is how I usually feel about going to a live, which is why i like them so much. and generally the energy is what attracts you to a band that you don't know. instrumentals play a role, lyrics few since most of the time it is hard to hear new stuff at lives, or at least the music i usually hear, but it comes down to the energy. like how after i saw All American Rejects in concert, I can't really listen to them anymore. Because I don't want to be like.. oh this song is amazing.. to bad I can't see them kick ass to it in concert.. ha.. my opinion.

Denise:
lol.. you pretty much said everything I was thinking and I agree with all of what you said.

I'm too tired to go into much more detail..

well son of a bitch..

I was going through the list of books that the club has read so that I could read the ones that I missed out on and figured out....that's why Charles Bukowski sounded familiar. I knew I read one of his books.. We read Post Office.. damn..

mkay.

denise: oh, i didn't look through the back yet. the letters are interesting. i felt really bad about the kick-out letter but i think they did it pretty well. idk maybe i'm too desensitized to it now. so many bands have replaced members that i guess i expect it. but at least it was all explained clearly. really sucks for him though.

haha you know i was going to write about the whole 'home taping is killing the industry' though but i really don't know what to say. i don't think he'd approve of downloading and filesharing. i've read a few things about that recently, that bands are really slamming other ones that share an album for free. idk, that's all too uptight for me.

no i get what you mean about the music being a foundation for other music. that's my argument for the whole 'everything has been said and done' thing. because everything influences everything else.

oh i didn't notice the women being superior thing. i think it was the very first page there was something like 'shelli being the overbearing dominator of chris' (names may not be right. i don't have the book with me right now) and it made me laugh because i know people in relationships like that and it was put so bluntly i loved it. the retard fucker story was...interesting. idk. i sort of sympathized with him because at the beginning he was on that rant about how just because she was quiet didn't mean that she was retarded. and then he was talking about how he just wanted to have sex before he died and that made sense to me. the whole thing about how she smelled was pretty horrible. i wonder if he actually told her that. i'd like to think he was at least classy enough to say something else. and then they were trying to identify him...maybe he wasn't classy enough about it and she was trying to get revenge. idk that came out of the blue and it was a little confusing. and dude, if her cousin is really molesting her that's a much bigger issue. and then he comes in and says that he was well-liked, which makes me feel like he's lying because he hates everyone.

the chuck taylor thing was really disturbing. i got skeeved out. and i'm not really sure why he was writing about it. that seemed like a lot of research for him to do as just a casual observer. i don't think his mother raped him or anything, although he did mention emotional abuse and then dropped it so i'd like to know what he was really talking about. he seems like the type of person who would bitterly just blurt it out. although maybe if he thinks sex is dirty. when i first read it i just attributed it to his high and mighty ideals.

jennie: haha i liked the driving practice quiz because i didn't know some of those things. thanks for being so educational.

"to be positive at all times is to ignore all that is important, sacred or valuable. to be negative at all times is to be threatened by rediculousness and instant discredibility."
i liked it too. but it's funny because he's on the negative side of things a lot.

"does Nirvana want to change this? no way! we want to cash in and suck butt up to the big wigs in hopes that we too can get high and fuck was figure-hot babes, who will be required to have a certified AIDS test two weeks prior to the day of handing out back stage passes. soon we will need chick spray repellent."
i laughed at that one too. but then it's repeated a few times and i just feel like there's no need to be that bitter. i was confused though-what was it written for? because i had the impression that it was an actual article printed somewhere.

oh haha the pudding turning green was the best part of that story. my refrigerator just died yesterday. well it's not dead but there's something really wrong with it and it's pulled out with a fan on the coils so it doesn't overheat (please god, don't let us have a fire). and the possibility of spoiled food made me think of the pudding.

dating the entries would have been beautiful. it looks like more than one notebook too but i'm not sure.

oh, you should read notes of a dirty old man by bukowski. it was pretty good.

JEN – page 7 are drawing of a guitar fret and he's drawn in finger positions for the notes he wants.

Yeah I thought the driving thing was cute too. He actually studied for the test

STEPHANIE – in the back it kind of lists where some of the stuff came from and give explanations so it's good to follow as you reading. And also stuff is from all different notebooks. It seems to be going in chronological order so I think it's safe to assume that time is passing as we read and they are becoming more popular as we go. He hasn't talked much about the other band members yet and I wonder if he will. Also want to know if he's gonna talk about cortney love.

ALL - I wanted to point out that all the writing about politics and the overall discontent with America was very prevalent during desert storm. It was a very interesting time because the people who were hippies in the 70's were now well into the greed of the 80's and the kids were looking at pictures of their parents who as teens fought "against the man" and then had become the suits that they hated so much. There was much conflict between the people who tried to hold fast to their values of the 70's and those that turned into yuppies. He talks about it a lot. About the turning your back on your beliefs and about materialism and Americanism and the lack of enthusiasm for art which was held so dear in the 70's and completely lost to the desire to "obtain" and seek power in the 80's.

Also there was an underground rumble of people who did not agree with the war but could not speak because of what happened during the Vietnam war and after the war when the vets returned and re-assimilated into our country. These people didn't want the war but there was no way to protest without seeming un-American or as though you didn't support the troupes. It was very in poor taste and generally unacceptable to voice opposition to American policy and foreign affairs. He talks a little about revolution and renewing the desire for people to speak up for their values but there was no where for people to do this and it was definitely not cool so it just faded out . I felt like some of the stuff he said was lost because no one ever got behind him (or it). And so it sits on the page and I remember but I still feel like there was no one willing to support it then and so his ramblings really had no where to go.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Gunslingirl,

LOL i wrote that stuff about the political environment and social shifting before I read past page 100. Let's just say it becomes much more prominent in his writing throughout his journals. Very interesting.

okay i know i said that i would have this up by friday but obviously i suck. i was almost finished and then the family came over and i was whirled outside and that was the end of that. so let's see, how am i going to write this up?

denise: yeah, i just noticed the notes at the back. oh well. i hate flipping back and forth when i read so i read most of them now. a letter to his dad is coming up...that should be interesting. i really want to see stuff about courtney love. i'm kind of disappointed that we haven't come to any of that. when did they get together? oh yeah, this section definitely has more of that kind of stuff. i like it. i like him a lot better in this part, although maybe it's because it's not like 'hey i'm a dick and i like to destroy other people's music.'


anyway, some random things that caught my eye...
lol page 103. i hope derek really doesn't look like that. there was something that i wanted to say about something on 102 so i folded the page over but reading back now i can't remember what it was.

"I like drugs. But my body and mind won't allow me to take them."
idk i thought it was interesting because he included his mind in that. and then later with his whole stomach problem thing and how he tried to cure it with heroin and said that it was stupid.

"I like sincerity. I lack sincerity."
really? i didn't get that from him.

"I like to complain and do nothing to make things better. I like to blame my parents' generation for coming so close to social change then giving up after a few successful efforts by the media & Government to deface the movement by using the mansons and other hippie representatives as propoganda examples on how they were nothing but unpatriotic, communists, satanic, inhuman diseases."

"The conspiracy towards success in America is immediacy. To expose in great repetition to the minds of smakk attention spans fast, speedy, now with even more nacho cheese flavor!"
okay lol so hard at the nacho cheese part. but seriously, how often do we hear this? and nothing has changed.

"I've been told that an artist is in need of certain tragedy to fully express their work but I'm not an artist and when I say I in a song that doesn't necessarily mean that person is me and it doesn't mean I'm just a storyteller, it means whoever or wahtever you want because everyone has their own definition of specific words and when you're dealing in the context of music you can't expect words to have the same meaning as in everyday use of vocabulary because I consider music art..."
holy run-on sentence batman! but i like the sentiment here and the first part made me think about all the hoopla about panic!'s new album and how they weren't unhappy anymore and blah blah blah.

"It is time now for all the 'fortunate' ones, the cheerleaders and the football jocks to strip down naked in front of the entire school assembly and pleas with every ounce of their sooulds for mercy and forgiveness, to admit that they are wrong. They are representatives of Gluttony and selfish values and to say that they are sorry for condoning these things will not be enough, they must mean it, they must have guns pointed to their heads, they must be pertified to ever think of being the stuckup, self righteous, segregating, guilt spreading ass kicking, white, rightwing republicans of the future."
okay wow, this one is disturbing on a few levels.

"...and to claim that our band (Nirvana) have consciously decided that it is our devout crusade as a band to teach men not to rape. We find it very frustrating to engage in a 2 hour in depth interview and to waste these two hours giving what we felt was a pretty insightful interview then it turns out, only a few embarrassingly misquoted words were used..."

"I mean, we're playing the corporate game and we're playing as best we can suddenly we found ourselves having to actually play instead of using the corporate's great distribution while staying in our own little world."
truthfully i didn't get the whole revolution from within thing that he was writing about but it was impressive to see just how bad he wanted to change the world. i didn't like the thing about mainstream though (i flipped through to see if i had a quote somewhere but i guess i don't). i don't get it. if you don't have to change yourself at all and you're accepted into the mainstream what's the big deal of more people hearing your message? it's kind of elitest if it's only available for the worthy.

"If you think everything's been said and done then how come nothing has been solved and resolved?"
i liked that one a lot.


that's about it. i was reading yesterday and when my uncle came over he said "Nirvana? that's it, you're an old lady." haha uncle dom.

Stephanie – The Wiki bio on Kurt is pretty accurate and can answer your questions about him and Courtney. She was and is a scank and we all hated her. Frances Bean is turning 16 in August whoa! http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kurt_Cobain. I wish we had read his biography rather than these journals but I think I’m going to pass on account of how awful it would be to read. It’s hard for me to see him as he really was. I loved him so much back then, we all did. I hate to read about all his pain and suffering even though at the time we knew it was happening even when he denied rumors. When he died I hung a picture of him up in my kitchen and left it there for months and months. I went on line to look for that picture to post but I couldn’t find it. Meanwhile I cried looking at all the pictures of him and the pics of Frances Bean. Especially the one where she’s wearing his red sweater and pj pants. I’m gonna look for my picture tonight. I know I saved it.

Also when looking for that picture on the internet I stumbled across a Kurt Cobain suicide or murder site which had tons of news articles, investigation photos (omg that pic of his leg which I could not look at before and still had to click away after just a few seconds of looking), his suicide letter, a picture of him when he over dosed in Europe. OK I don’t go for the crap that he was murdered and I basically just ignored that part of the site but looked at the evidence which was real. And it all just burns so much. I can’t even describe it. I have no idea why I feel this way towards him. I never really understood it but it was the same with River Phoenix. Who died 6 months earlier. And it’s strange but I don’t feel it at all for Heath Ledger and I thought I would. Sorry I’m off on a tangent and not really discussing the journal, but idk I felt like I needed to confess.

"I like sincerity. I lack sincerity."
Stephanie - Really? i didn't get that from him.
Denise – Oh I did. He lied about things and distorted things all the time. He was always trying to cover things up. When he’d give an interview you could never be sure if it was the truth or not. He played games with the media, it was kind of a sport for him. I think he enjoyed trying to manipulate the rumors to suit him. Novoselic claimed that Kurt was just a “revisionist” revising facts and changing his own history.

It always seemed to me that Kurt didn’t really like anyone. He never showed respect for other bands. He talked shit about EVERYTHING and this journal just confirms all that for me. And yet people wanted so much to gain his respect. People wanted to be in his “click”. The heroine use was just seen as another way that Kurt separated himself from the rest of us. Like oh just one more thing he dared to do that the rest of us never will. idk if that makes any sense, but that’s how we felt back then. and I know I keep saying “we” because it wasn’t just me, at this time Dave and I lived in Atlanta and he was going to school at the Art Institute earning a degree in audio engineering so naturally all our friends were in bands and in the music business. We used to sit around talk about him and the band, along with all the other scene shit that was going on at the time.

"...and to claim that our band (Nirvana) have consciously decided that it is our devout crusade as a band to teach men not to rape.” Did you know that two men raped a woman and sang “Polly” while they did it? Kurt made a big stink about it at the time because I think it hurt him deeply that anyone would do that. He had a lot of hate in him anyway, no need to drudge up more but I think some fans misunderstood his messages. I never got that song Rape Me.

quote:

truthfully i didn't get the whole revolution from within thing that he was writing about but it was impressive to see just how bad he wanted to change the world. i didn't like the thing about mainstream though (i flipped through to see if i had a quote somewhere but i guess i don't). i don't get it. if you don't have to change yourself at all and you're accepted into the mainstream what's the big deal of more people hearing your message? it's kind of elitest if it's only available for the worthy.

Yes, I agree completely and it was like he was a snob. no body was ever good enough for him and it was implied that he acted that way because he never felt like HE was accepted and so he just isolated himself. but by isolating himself AND speaking out politically it SEEMED contradictory.

"If you think everything's been said and done then how come nothing has been solved and resolved?"
Stephanie - i liked that one a lot.
Denise – I knew you’d like that one. I wrote in my book. “Stephanie will like that!” ha ha ha

On page 106: Kurt wrote: I remember when I first started hanging out with friends who were a few months more advanced in proper punk rock lingo and etiquette, I said, “hey let’s listen to some punk.” and this guy said “man it’s not called punk anymore it’s called hardcore!” Gee, I felt like a heel. --- Denise says: Oh I can relate to THAT! I’m sure we all can. I would really love to know what he’d think of MCR or The Gallows or The Fall of Troy.

I love his “dirty little secrets on page 108-109, my favs are:
I like playing my cards wrong.
I like to fill my mouth with seeds and spit them out at random as I walk.
I like to have strong opinions with nothing to back them up with besides my primal sincerely.
I like to make incisions into the belly of infants then fuck the incisions until the child dies.

That last one… W.T.F.???? It’s that kind of writing where I think it has to be just for shock value, but he seems to mix lies with truth to the point where you are not sure what he’s really thinking.

Page 112 – Kurt wrote: I am now in my sad stage, before it was naïve hate. Tomorrow, the I won’t care stage is predicted, and I’m not looking forward to it. --- Denise says: well there’s a premonition. when he stops caring he stops living.

Page 125 – Kurt wrote: I purposely keep myself naïve and away from earthly information because it’s the only way to avoid a jaded attitude. --- Denise says: failed, I don’t see you avoiding a jaded attitude.

Page 135 – Kurt wrote: You’ve left your under wear and coat and records and books and scent here, in my place of recovery. the place where I’ve crawled off to die like a cat under a house after he’s been hit. lying around waiting (to die). --- Denise says: this is so sad to me. He’s so wounded it’s like he lets people hurt him so deeply that he can’t help but to hate all of them (humans in general).

ha ha ha he makes several references to H.R. Puffenstuff. That was Dave’s favorite show to watch when he was a boy. I didn’t realize that Kurt was born in 1967, a year after dave and a year before me.

Page 168 – Neverland bio that was never used. --- Denise says: I LOVED the part where he writes “I introduced myself to him and asked what his tyouts (??) were on this macaroni mobile piece I was working on. He suggested I glue glitter on it> from then on it was an artistic partnership that would spawn the basis of what is the magical collaboration of Nirvana today.”

Page 179 – Kurt wrote: I don’t need to be inspired any longer, just supported. --- Denise says: what? that’s bullshit because he says later it’s his lack of being inspired and enthused for life that makes him suicidal, oh and those nasty stomach pains. You know he uses the word gluttony a lot and I think it’s kind of ironic because I think of gluttony as someone who over eats and he had such stomach problems he couldn’t hardly eat anything at all.

Page 181 – Kurt wrote: We were indescribably fucked up on booze and drugs, out of tune and rather, uh sloppy. --- Denise says: I find this incredibly disrespectful to the hard working musicians out there.

Page 185 – Kurt wrote: And this little pit-stop we call life, that we so seriously worry about is nothing but a small, over the weekend jail sentence, compared to what will come with death. --- Denise says: WOW, very chuck p.

Page 186 – Kurt wrote: I would love to be erased from our association with Pearl Jam or the Nymphs and other first time offenders. --- Denise says: idk what he meant by that but Nirvana and Pearl Jam will forever be linked.

Page 191 – Kurt wrote: how I’m a notoriously fucked up heroine addict, alcoholic, self-destructive, yet overly sensitive, frail, fragile, soft spoken, narcoleptic, neurotic, little piss ant who at any minute is going to O.D., jump off a roof, wig out, blow my head off or all 3 at once. --- Denise says: I’d say that’s about right. I hate how he denied all this stuff and then later confirmed it all and then denied it again. as evidenced on page 201 where he confesses to narcolepsy, bad sleeping and eating habits and stress from being on tour, he also confesses to his heroine habit later too. I understand completely why he hated the journalists so much but come on, you can’t sit there and do a two hour interview where you stop twice to shoot up and then tell everyone you don’t use drugs! He would hold a can of beer and say out right “I don’t drink” it was like he was toying with the media, “just because I’m holding this beer doesn’t mean I’m drinking it, you can’t prove anything” except that his actions spoke loudly which I think made him try to actually speak even louder and it ended up being just a muddled shouting fest or what’s the truth and what are rumors.

Page 195 – Kurt wrote: I hope I die before I turn into Pete Townshend. --- Denise says: Don’t worry Kurt, you will.

so i watched that kurt and courtney documentary thing last night. it was interesting. not what i expected and ended really abruptly. i did get a really good laugh at courtney getting called out for her presenting the award for first amendment rights when she was threatening journalists into silence. such self-congratulatory bullshit it makes me kind of sick. but the whole thing was so inconclusive and i wasn't really sure how much i can trust the people in the story. i so bad for frances bean. i wonder what her whole take on things is. i'd want to read every book, every report, and see every video. i'd like to see his suicide note. they mentioned it in the video. it was addressed to his childhood imaginary friend. but then everything except for the last four lines was re-used material. idk. so interesting. although it does feel horrible to have such a morbid interest and pick these things apart.

quote:

"I like sincerity. I lack sincerity."
Stephanie - Really? i didn't get that from him.
Denise – Oh I did. He lied about things and distorted things all the time. He was always trying to cover things up. When he’d give an interview you could never be sure if it was the truth or not. He played games with the media, it was kind of a sport for him. I think he enjoyed trying to manipulate the rumors to suit him. Novoselic claimed that Kurt was just a “revisionist” revising facts and changing his own history.

i wasn't really talking about interviews though. i could see how he'd like playing games with the media. idk how to explain how i took it..i guess applied to his journal and sort of as a real person (not as a band persona in the media). because you know he hates phonies so much. it was funny when his aunt was speaking in the video she was talking about how people are phony too.

quote:

I knew you’d like that one. I wrote in my book. “Stephanie will like that!” ha ha ha

haha i liked that quote because it came up before and this new development was a pretty optimistic change.

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On page 106: Kurt wrote: I remember when I first started hanging out with friends who were a few months more advanced in proper punk rock lingo and etiquette, I said, “hey let’s listen to some punk.” and this guy said “man it’s not called punk anymore it’s called hardcore!” Gee, I felt like a heel.

oh lol you went there. i wasn't even about to touch that one. but sheesh yeah, people are serious about classifying their music. which is why i always dance away from making any comments like that because if you get it wrong they go nuts. but lol at him because he's just the same way. and i appreciate the sentiment but if i see the words "punk rock is freedom" one more time my head might explode. okay, i got it after the first 50 times i saw it written. thanks dude. lol silly denise he'd hate all of those bands of course.

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I love his “dirty little secrets on page 108-109, my favs are:
I like playing my cards wrong.
I like to fill my mouth with seeds and spit them out at random as I walk.
I like to have strong opinions with nothing to back them up with besides my primal sincerely.
I like to make incisions into the belly of infants then fuck the incisions until the child dies.

That last one… W.T.F.???? It’s that kind of writing where I think it has to be just for shock value, but he seems to mix lies with truth to the point where you are not sure what he’s really thinking.

idk as a journal i assume he would just be writing it for himself. i guess it's supposed to mean something deep but i really have no clue except that it fits in with all of his abortion talk.

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Page 179 – Kurt wrote: I don’t need to be inspired any longer, just supported. --- Denise says: what? that’s bullshit because he says later it’s his lack of being inspired and enthused for life that makes him suicidal, oh and those nasty stomach pains. You know he uses the word gluttony a lot and I think it’s kind of ironic because I think of gluttony as someone who over eats and he had such stomach problems he couldn’t hardly eat anything at all.

i call bullshit too. lies you tell yourself to make you feel better. oh i just thought his use of gluttony was like the greed of society. taking more than you need and still looking for more. there was one part that sort of led me to that but i don't have the book with me. and i thought it was funny because the g was always capitalized. one of the seven deadly sins.

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Page 181 – Kurt wrote: We were indescribably fucked up on booze and drugs, out of tune and rather, uh sloppy. --- Denise says: I find this incredibly disrespectful to the hard working musicians out there.

oh yeah, sometimes he pisses me off so bad. i hate when bands come on stage completely drunk and falling over. i think we deserve a better show than that and maybe some effort if you're getting paid for this and if it's really what you want to do.

quote:

Kurt wrote: I hope I die before I turn into Pete Townshend. --- Denise says: Don’t worry Kurt, you will.

denise's commentary makes me laugh. i love it.

Did I tell you that I saw Nirvana live at Phillips Arena in November 1993? I've always said it was the most disappointing concert I've ever attended. Even after we knew why it was still such a let down. Kurt wore his red sweater, sat on a stool, left the stage for 2 songs and barely played guitar.

oh and i did find my beloved picture. i scanned it but i can't upload it here until tomorrow.

idk why but i don't read these journals as his personal journal that were his private thoughts, i don't think he did anything private, i always saw him as an exhibitionist standing there with his two middle fingers raised proudly to the world "come and get me mother fuckers".

I would love to see the Kurt and Courtney stuff. Was it them or actors? Yeah, all the reports and articles and coverage was addictive. we read every drop of it after he died. but then it all just faded away. i think people got over saturated and damn if courtney didn't continue to make a fool of herself and blacken his name at every turn. i always wondered if she brought him down or if he brought her down. people said that she chased after him but that he coaxed her into drugs and wrote her music and tried to create this image for her.

sorry if i sound like i know stuff because i was into them back then, i don't. i guess i just wanted to express my own feelings about him, which are strong. reading back it sounds like knowitall preachery.

i'm glad you laughed at my comments. i always laugh at yours too. ily

My picture of kurt <3. hung in my kitchen on the side of the dish cabinet next to the telephone. I used to say things to him: good morning, good night, I miss you, you look tired, fuck you, how are you? whenever I glanced at it. which was a lot.



and just because I thought it was interesting I scanned the back which is part of an article idk what magazine I ripped this from but it was April 22, 2008.



OK and here are the Frances Bean pictures where she wore her dad’s red sweater and the PJ pants he wore at his wedding.





And if you are interested here’s the most recent mag article she did: http://community.livejournal.com/ohnotheydidnt/20241160.html

Okay, so i'm totally reading the book...i'm way behind though. I haven't even gotten to page 100. UGH! I feel horrible, because I really wanted to read and discuss this. I hope I can finish it. It' really hard to read since it's his handwriting..I mean, it makes it cool and more authentic, but i have a hard time reading everything.

Anyway, I was looking at the pictures Denise posted and it must be soo crazy to be Frances Bean. I mean, her mom is still a bit crazy herself and then living with the fact that your dad was kind of this iconic person..I mean, he is now, and you never really got to know him...and i don't know..it must be hard to learn much factual information about who he used to be as a person.

I do agree that he was pretty messed up and depressed for a long time. I don't think he ever really got better....just added more and more until it built up or something.

I don't know...Kurt Cobain in general interests me.